Secret of successfull marriage

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Simple Marriage: Why You Should Never Say the “D-word” in Your Marriage

Why You Should Never Say the “D-word” in Your Marriage

Posted: 29 Sep 2014 05:59 AM PDT

Positive Words The other night, my wife and I were visiting with some friends. At one point, a funny but hypothetical situation was brought up and my wife said, "I don't know, I'd…"

She couldn't finish her sentence.

After some coaxing, we finally got her to say what she couldn't before. She said, "I don't know, I'd probably divorce him".

Even joking with friends it was hard to say.

The reason it was so hard for her was because early on in our marriage, we both decided that we would never even mention the "D-word", not even in joking.

We've both conditioned ourselves to avoid the word. It's easy – neither of us ever want a divorce, so why ever even say it?

Now, whenever we hear someone say the word, it just feels wrong. Dirty. Like a vulgar word. I don't even like typing it!

Never Say the "D-word"

Talking about divorce in your marriage is about as opposite of what you should do. It's just not logical.

You got married because you love each other, because you want to give yourselves to each other, and because you want to grow old together.

Saying the "D-word", even in jest, opens the possibility of it. It can start to seep into your subconscious and can affect your thoughts. Why even toy with the notion?

Society and media has conditioned us to think of divorce as an escape clause. It's an out for something that's not working. If you go into marriage with that mentality, then you'll never truly be able to give 100% of yourself. You know you have a back door.

It All Boils Down to Choice

We all know that thoughts become feelings and feelings become actions. And we all know that our words are a reflection of our thoughts.

What choices we make will be largely determined by the thoughts running through our mind and the words we choose to use.

With a perspective on marriage, Dr. Corey Allan said, "So what's the secret to making marriage last? Two people who choose to stay married. That's it."

It's been said that you only have to make a decision once. With that in mind, just decide now that you're marriage is super important. In fact, treat it as the most important aspect of your life.

Also, decide now to never use the "D-word" in your marriage. Treat it the same way as you would a really bad swear word. Don't let it leak into your vocabulary. Treat it as something offensive.

Focus on the Good Words

With a world of positive vocabulary out there, why not focus on the good stuff? It's just plain more fun!

Share jokes with your spouse. Laugh. Be funny. And don't forget the romantic and loving words!

Take time every day to actively look for ways you can compliment your spouse. Think about what you would love to hear and say them to your spouse.

Putting Words into Perspective

Let's pretend that you overhear your spouse talking to a friend in the other room. Let's say he or she says: "I love that guy (or girl). He (or she) is so good at (fill in the blank with something cool)". That's going to make you feel pretty darn good right?

But what if he or she said instead: "My husband (or wife) annoys me. I joke sometimes about getting a divorce if he (or she) doesn't change."

Even joking, the "D-word" can sound ugly. In this situation, it could even sound scary.

Divorce isn't funny. It's the opposite of a happy marriage. Don't joke about it. Don't even say it.

Focus on the good instead. Your marriage will thank you!

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Simple Marriage: The secret to a lasting marriage

The secret to a lasting marriage

Posted: 22 Sep 2014 06:12 AM PDT

Divorce is an all too common thing.

There is even a belief among some that if marriage becomes too much work or is too difficult or if you are not happy enough, get a divorce.

My opinion of this idea: why take the easy way out?

Marriage is work. Marriage is struggle. But then again, any close relationship is. And for that matter, so is anything of value in life.

There are times I have been asked,

“What makes a marriage last?”

“What’s the secret to a lasting marriage?”

The answer is actually simple (simple is not to be confused with easy).

Before I divulge the answer, let’s tackle a few marriage myths.

Thanks to popular press and Hollywood, the work involved in marriage is poorly displayed.

Many people seem to think that marriage will be a lifelong romantic escapade along the shore at sunset before returning home for the nightly passionate adventure enveloped in silk sheets with your lover. I know you’ve bought into this idea somewhat if you can easily complete this phrase: “and they all lived…”

The honeymoon is over, morning breath has set in, your partner sees you for who you are, plus you see your partner more for who they are. You realize that marriage requires more of you.

The dream of marriage has been replaced with the reality of marriage. You and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on everything. You’ve slept on the couch at least once in your married life. There has been a roller coaster of feelings. Close. Distant. Passion. Boredom. Joy. Sadness.

When you get right down to it, marriage is not about happiness. Marriage is about two people growing up and becoming better humans.

Nowhere else are we faced with the task of growth more than marriage.

So what’s the secret to making marriage last?

Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it.

Marriage is choice. Choice of partner, choice of self, choice of growth, even choice of passion and adventure.

While this may at first appear simplistic, it should be.

When you view what’s going on in your marriage as a process for growth and experiencing more in life, it makes the choice simple.

Most of the time, we focus on our partner and our desire for them to change or do something different. This is focusing on something we can’t control. If we decide to grow, do something different, change the things we don’t like about ourselves, we take charge of our own life as well as our relationship.

With everything that happens to us in life and love, how you view it will determine the outcome. When you have times of disagreement, could it really be a time to grow closer? Or a time to understand more about your spouse? When you feel your partner pulling away, maybe it’s an opportunity to engage your partner in a better way.

(photo source)

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Simple Marriage: 6 Marriage Myths Debunked

6 Marriage Myths Debunked

Posted: 15 Sep 2014 05:07 AM PDT

intimacy

The only thing perfect about marriage is the airbrushed wedding photo. ~ Anonymous

Marriage, even the best of marriages, can take effort and work.

In fact, based on the research I conducted regarding the essential elements necessary for a marriage to thrive, commitment, trust, and respect were in the top five – and each of these require some work to make happen.

Many people still enter into marriage wearing rose-colored glasses.

We long for the Hollywoodization of relationships. Where everything goes smoothly and passionately and all our disagreements are resolved before the credits roll.

Marriage myths can undermine your relationship.

Rather than falling victim to these myths, take off the glasses and be honest with yourself and your spouse.

You don’t have to settle for less. In fact, you likely are reading this post (and Simple Marriage) because you’re interested making your marriage all it can be.

A great marriage is a long-term process — not an overnight miracle.

By uncovering and debunking these marriage myths you’ll see things more clearly in life and marriage.

Myth 1: A good marriage begins by finding Mr. or Ms. Right

It’s easy to blame problems in marriage on our spouse, which can lead to the belief that they are not Mr. or Ms. Right. Surely, there are couples that really don’t belong together. However, the majority of these not-the-right-person beliefs are rooted in unrealistic expectations.

Myth 2: When couples argue, it destroys the relationship.

You may have entered marriage believing that arguing is bad. You may have expected things to go smoothly, with only a few minor bumps along the way. But then the usual struggles over money, sex, children, and/or sharing responsibilities emerge.

If you don’t recognize that all couples face these problems, it’s easy to believe something is wrong with your marriage. Some couples choose to distance themselves from each other rather than talk through the problems. In the end, many of these couple let their marriages fall apart because the gulf became too big to find their ways back to each other. Arguing, or better stated – heated discussions, can be a positive force in a marriage.

Myth 3: Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time.

A good marriage is the product of constant care and nurturing. Think about it this way, what do we know about achieving anything good in life? It takes work. For example, how do people stay physically fit? Certainly not by fantasizing and longing for a rock hard body – a healthy body takes constant attention and work.

The same is true for thriving relationships.

Marriage is very much like a living organism: It is constantly changing.

Partners are not always going to feel close or affectionate toward one another. There are even times when you will be very angry at your spouse, times when you may even question why the two of you married in the first place.

Working though these rough spots is an important part of growing closer. Keep in mind however, there is nothing automatic about the process.

Myth 4: Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup.

One great joy of marriage is the ability to pool your strengths and talents. If one of you is physical and the other intellectual, you can help expand one another’s horizons. However, if you are painfully shy and rely on your spouse to do all the talking, you’re going to feel an imbalance.

Assuming rigid roles based on gender also creates an imbalance: like a husband who refuses to help with cooking or cleaning because these tasks are “woman’s work” or a wife who refuses to pick up a hammer or screwdriver because “that’s the husband’s job.” Spouses must be flexible in their roles, and willing to work together at all sorts of tasks.

Great marriages are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. Each marriage partner brings a unique package of strengths and weaknesses to the table, and each has a separate timetable for growth. But, if one partner’s development or contribution is way out of proportion to the other’s, this imbalance can undermine the marriage.

Myth 5: Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work.

It still surprises me how many people think happily married couples must do everything together. As if when you get married you cease to exist as an individual.

Each spouse has a separate life apart from that as a marriage partner – because marriage is choice. And it’s still as much of a choice 15 years into it as it was on the first day.

When you choose to get married, you choose to become an integral part of another person’s world. That means, among other things, taking an interest in your partner’s personal goals, and doing your best to have amicable dealings with his or her family of origin. However, this is a lot different than feeling compelled to do everything together. If you believe this myth you’ll likely find yourself or your spouse feeling trapped in the relationship.

Some marriages require more togetherness; others, more separateness. The trick is finding a balance of togetherness and separateness that works for you.

Myth 6: The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want.

In the past, people married out of economic necessity and to have children. Now some believe marriage is a way to achieve fulfillment and personal satisfaction.

Complaints in marriage often go like this: “I’m just not happy with him anymore. I don’t feel fulfilled.” These complaints are a result of overblown and misguided expectations.

You may see signs that this myth is interfering with your marriage; one would be when you or your partner say, “If you loved me you would . . . (check the choice or choices that apply):

Spend more time with my family
Make love to me more often
Take the vacation that I want
Not criticize me so much
Do more household chores

The message here, “You don’t love me unless you do exactly what I want.”

There is also a flip side to this myth that shows up when one partner demands that the other accept their love on faith — even when their words and actions convey the opposite message.

Every one of us have a right to want our desires fulfilled, but we must be realistic. Even in the best of marriages, a spouse and the relationship can provide just so much fulfillment. The rest will have to come other sources such as career, family, or from the pursuit of various interests, or even – most importantly – from within.

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Thursday, September 11, 2014

Simple Marriage: The art of non-sexual touch

The art of non-sexual touch

Posted: 10 Sep 2014 06:07 AM PDT

If you are neanderthal or cro-magnon man reading this, your reaction may be “What? Me must procreate!”

If you are somewhat more enlightened you may be saying, “Yeah right, like there is such a thing.”

And if you’re a female, you may be saying, “It’s about time!”

We are all sexual beings.

It’s part of our design.

Sexuality plays a role in most everything we encounter. Our society has become more and more sexualized. But in a marriage, there’s more to life than sex. Did I really just say that out loud?

A major component of a fulfilling marriage is the connection you sustain with your partner.

However, many times this bid for connection can be met with skepticism. As if there is an ulterior motive with your wanting to touch your spouse.

There may be times where your spouse sees right through your motives. It may also be that your “moves” need a little work.

It’s my belief that most of the communication within marriage happens on a covert level. Speaking up and saying what you really think or want involves too much risk. So we figure out how to get what we want through covert action.

To be fair, both members of the marriage are complicit in this exchange. In order to break this pattern, the truth must come out.

This could be as simple as speaking up when you are interested in going out with your friends for the weekend, or when you want to buy the newest techno gadget, or even when you want to have sex.

An interesting phenomenon occurs in most people when the topic of sex comes up.

Everyone claims they are interested in the act, many claim to really enjoy the act, but most people have a hard time talking about it with their spouse .

In my experience, most men will report that sex is a way to gain closer connection with their wife. While most women would state they want a closer connection to be more interested in sex.

With these differing views of the same thing, something’s bound to give.

Interesting though, both men and women report that they are interested in greater connection with their spouse.

But they are going about it differently.

So what exactly is the benefit of a closer connection in marriage you ask? You tell me.

A marriage that is fully alive experiences better things in life. <==== Tweet that.

Better joy. Better love. Better families. Better children. Better jobs (not necessarily better money, but better fulfillment). Even better sex. While the quantity of sex may not increase, the quality will.

Incorporating more non-sexual touch in marriage will increase the level of connection. Bear in mind, the point of this type of touch is the connection, not the possibility of sex later.

How to increase the non-sexual touch factor.

Hold hands. This may seem grade schoolish but it really is a great way to connect with your spouse. You may already be a hand holder. Most people seem to lose this ability after the relationship has worn down a bit. Next time you are with your spouse watching TV, walking in the park or mall, at a ball game, reach over and grab their hand.
Put your arm around her shoulder. This is actually a very comfortable way to sit together. You can do this smoothly, you know, it starts by stretching your arms out to both sides then one arm just naturally lands around her shoulders. Seriously though, sit next to her and put your arm around her. Tell everyone else she is important to you.
Give massages. The art of the massage often seems to be a prelude to something more or a chore to be avoided at all costs. A relationship can receive a serious kick if you were to give good massages. Shoulders. Feet. Back. Full body. What a great gift to give.
Hug. As simple as it sounds, hugging can be a great tool for connection. Stand on your own two feet and hug your spouse. Hold them in your arms. Feel their presence. Make note of their heartbeat. Notice yours. Connect on a deeper level. Hugging is often done during difficult times in life. It’s expected then. Hug them other times as well.
Pats on the rear. I’ll admit, I’m a rear patter. When my wife walks by, there’s a good chance she’s going to get a pat on the rear. I have no idea when this started. But now my kids have even exhibited signs of following my lead. The other day my oldest walked up and slapped her mom on the rear. While this can be a playful expression of connection, I guess I need to be careful about developing followers. I also need to be careful to not apply too much force.
Hand on their leg. While you are sitting together, a great bid for connection comes from placing your hand on their leg. An obvious word of caution, the further you place your hand up their leg decreases the non-sexual factor of this touch. But if you sit together with your hand on their knee or even mid thigh, it demonstrates an interest in them and their presence.
Eye to eye. Although this is the last one in the list, it’s perhaps the most important. Make a habit of looking your spouse in the eye. Whether you’re talking or just in the same room throughout the day, make a connection with their eyes. Respect them by giving your attention in conversations. Close the laptop, pause the TV, put the paper down and look them in the eye. Let them see your eyes. If you do this several times a day, it will only take a few days until you both will notice a deeper connection with each other.

(photo source)

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Simple Marriage: Be a Fan, a Team Player and a Coach to have a Successful Marriage

Be a Fan, a Team Player and a Coach to have a Successful Marriage

Posted: 08 Sep 2014 06:31 AM PDT

Football season is here. Most people I know are overjoyed to let the upcoming games consume them. I have some serious pigskin fans in my family. Compared to those fanatics, my spouse and I are the weird ones. We don't actually follow any particular team or sport. In fact, it's one of the things that attracted me to my husband – that I wouldn't be forced to watch the big screens or attend tail-gating parties when deep down, that just isn't my passion.

However, that being said, I do admire the enthusiasm that goes behind football fandom. In fact, I think the principles can be applied toward a healthy, successful marriage. After all, spouses should be a fan for each other, be a team player and also be a coach when the time calls for it. These roles don't typically occur all at the same time but they are an important part of a marital union.

Here are a few ways that the "football religion" may help your relationship.

Even non-traditional, non-game participants, like my husband and me, can apply these lessons:

Be a Fan
Remember how you felt when you first met your spouse? Think of the appealing traits of your partner. What attracted you to him or her? You probably had some infatuation with that person. Perhaps you even felt giddy, happy and really excited to be around your other half. To put it in game terms, you were a fan. You liked him (or her). You couldn't wait to see him. You planned your day or weekend around the opportunity to interact with that interesting someone. Over time, busy schedules and children may get in the way of being a devotee of your spouse. But don't let too much time go by before you become a "fan" once again. Use the excitement of the game, the love game that is, to fuel up your passion again and be the president of your spouse's fan club.

Be a Team Player
That expression, "There is no 'I' in team" is definitely true for a successful marriage. Two sets of minds and hearts are much more powerful than one. Partners must work together to be victorious. To run a smooth household, I definitely have to collaborate with my husband. We have so much going on with jobs, school, two children, pets and more. Together we pool our energy, skills and resources to make things happen. By working collectively, it lessens the length of time to complete a task. Plus, we usually have a lot more fun picking up the dishes when we do it side by side. My husband will splash water in my face and poke fun at the way I stack plates. I will find the missing plastic ware tops to complete his lunch. When we act as a team, we increase our chances of having quality time and fun while reaching our family goals.

Be a Coach
During different periods in marriage, one partner may need to act as a "coach" for the other person. When I become down on myself, for whatever reason, my husband encourages me. He will find a way to give me a pep talk or encourage me to take action. Being a great coach requires patience and persistence. You must often push the other person out of the comfort zone. I may want to snooze that alarm clock instead of waking up to complete my fitness routine. My spouse will say, "Get up and do it!" That push can be hard but it’s also exactly what I need from him and for myself. He will wake up with me, serving as a role model and example. Or if my partner is having a stressful day, I will offer extra attention and support. I listen while he speaks. Sometimes one of us will pick up the slack for the other, if needed. Watching your husband or wife succeed can be such an amazing feeling. As the coach, you can make that happen by assisting him or her to grow, mature and develop.

Think about your favorite sport and team. What do you love about it? Consider the fans just like yourself. Believe in the team and the efforts they put forth to win. Admire the coach and the leadership he or she provides. Apply these football (or other sport) values in your own marriage and other relationships. Be a fan of your spouse. Join your spouse’s team. Act as the coach when needed. Remember that it is great to have a goal in mind but don't keep score in your marriage. Instead work toward happy, healthy achievements.

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